This is the first chapter. Yes, I have changed some of the original names, as I was tired of dealing with them. Share and enjoy.

Blah blah blah this is all fiction and stuff.

Universally Deranged

—

“Look, just calm down ok? We just gotta stop and think, we can get out of this,” Sam quietly said.

“CALM DOWN!? CALM DOWN! Geez Sam, thats what you said when we were arrested in Russia! That didn’t work out so well, now did it? And now you want me to calm down, when we are sure to meet our fate at the hands of these mongrels? I may be dumb, but i’m not stupid! No, panicing is the best idea i have right now,” Mel replied forcefully.

The dingos were still cirlcing, waiting for the fire to give out so they could move in. Nevermind the fact that dingos usually feed on dead critters, apparently someone forgot to tell these guys that.

“Listen Mel… We’re gonna make it outta here, trust me!”

“Well, maybe we will, BUT IT ISNT LOOKING GOOD NOW!!” Mel huddled into her blanket and stared at Sam, throughly bewildered at his quiet calm in the face of certain danger.

Sam was hoping his idea would work out.

—

Wait.

Hold on.

I’m getting ahead of myself again, I always do that. Look, let me start from the beginning, and we’ll see how it goes from there, ok?

Good.

Beep beep beep

Sam groaned and reached over to smack his alarm clock, but missed, and knocked it onto the floor, where it still went off. Sam rolled over and went back to sleep. A dream was unfolding in his head of hallways and doors and alarms and klaxxons and not being able to find the off switch. The phone started ringing as well, which did nothing good for his dream, but some part of his brain managed to realize what was going on and woke him up again.

“This had better be Ed McMan with the million dollar frickin’ prize,” Sam mumbled into the phone.

“Sam!!! I need your help!” a womans voice yelled at him from the handset.

“Look, lady, unless you want to give me money, I suggest you call back at a reasonable hour… like… after noon…. next week or something” Sam hung up. He was halfway back to sleep when the phone rang again.

“Stupid people, why cant they learn? I don’t do mornings,” He picked up the phone fully prepared to scream a bit, but was rather surprised by what he heard.

“Look, I will pay you, just listen, ok? Ok??” The voice voice was beginning to sound familiar.

“Well, ok, whats going on? Who is this? Don’t you know better than call me at 11am?” Sam could see he was doomed to lose some sleep.

“Sam, this is Mel, remember? The girl you went to college with? The one that you annoyed over and over again? Look. You remember that one guy I was with? Well, he’s, uh… no longer with us,” Mel blurted out.

“And this affects me how?” Sam considered snapping the phone shut again.

“Well, I know you know how to do stuff. Like disappear. We saw you do it plenty of times at school, and I need your help now, ok?” Mel was beginning to sound annoyed. Sam suddenly remember why he disappeared all those times, and took a deep breath.

“Ok, so I know how to disappear, but how does that help you? Why dont you just dump this guy and be through with it?” Mel seemed to be getting more and more agitated.

“Listen, that’s what the problem is. I did dump him. In a shallow grave. I don’t know what came over me, all the years of having hell with guys, and then after 6 long months of being with this guy he pulled the ‘lets be friends’ shit and I just lost it. The cops have come around here once looking for him; his family has reported him missing. They are gonna figure it out Sam, I know they are. I need to get out of the country. I think. What do you think? Sam? Dammit Sam, I need you, I really hate to say that now, but i’m just stressed and I dont know what to do.” Sam took another deep breath. This was going to be one of those days. He closed his eyes and thought of being asleep, and how he loved fresh doughnuts and how that interfered with sleeping and he hoped like hell Mel had fresh doughnuts.

“Ok, calm down, where are you?”

“I’m at a pay phone at the corner of, uh hang on… Marland and Dal Paso I think it is. I just got in my car and drove and I ended up here. Im also out of gas. I have doughnuts,” Mel hoped Sam would be too sleepy to see though her lie about the doughnuts and come get her. Sam was too sleepy to rationalize how she could have gotten doughnuts and have run out of gas at the same time.

“Look, stay there, don’t eat any doughnuts, and i’ll be there in like 10 minutes, aight?” Mel grinned and breathed a sigh of relief. This was gonna be easier than she thought. She hoped.

Twenty minutes later Sam was on his way to get Mel. He was halfway there when he realized she could not have doughnuts, but figured he would make her buy him breakfast nonetheless. He pondered over what she meant about killing her boyfriend; and determined himself to remember to stay on her good side.

She was where she said she was, and her car was out of gas. She was out of money. Sam sighed. “Ok, let me get this striaght, you killed your boyfriend?”

“Well, yeah, I had to. Well, I mean, I didn’t have to, but you know, I don’t know, look, I, well, I mean he, well, damn it all!” She screamed and started to cry.

“Ok, i’ll buy breakfast then.” Sam sighed.

Not a good start to the day at all, he thought.